Dance

Please forgive my poor videography skills, its blurry and sometimes I watched her, not what I was taping, hence the slow drop of the camera. But it gives you the general idea :)

Recital Fall 2012 from Laura R on Vimeo.

Pocahontas Recital

Ella loves to dance and sing. She has loved her dance class and did so well at the recital!

Thanksgiving (longest picture post ever)

We went to Utah to spend Thanksgiving with my family. On the way down we visitied John, Jenny and co. Ella loved seeing her cousins! We wish we could see them more often.

My mom and I took Ella to the Treehouse museum in Ogden. So amazing! IT is all about falling into a story and there are many rooms with different themes and books to match. She had a blast.

We spent a lot of time prepping for Thanksgiving since we were having 20 people over. My family took turns taking care of William at night so that Charles and I could sleep. It was a great trip!

Jacob and David ate a cactus while camping, apparently they did not properly singe the needles off it... ouch!

I wish we lived closer, cant wait to see everyone again!

Birth Story

I have debated back and forth whether or not to post Williams’s birth story and the events leading up to it. Sometimes I have a hard time sharing personal stories like this. I have decided to share it because in all reality miscarriage and pregnancy complications are very common. We just don't talk about them a whole lot. It has helped me to hear others experiences, so maybe mine will help another.
That being said, this story does go into detail (I did give birth, it includes blood, lots) so if you are not interested in those kind of graphic details, please don’t read it. This is also the longest post ever, so if you only want to read the birth part and not about what happened before it then scroll down to the break and start there.

Williams’s birth was a whirlwind of events. It is hard for me to know where to start or how to even put all that happened down in words. I have a lot of emotions around this event. Of course joy and happiness that we have a healthy baby boy, but also pain, and trauma due to the intense labor and delivery. To start with William’s birth story I need to go back in time to when Ella was one. That was about when Charles and I decided we should begin trying to have another child. We both felt good about it and knew that we wanted to have more children. We thought that a spacing of about two years between each child would be good. For the first few months it wasn’t much of a concern. I would get my period and think, oh well try again next month. After five months I started to worry. Why wasn’t I getting pregnant? In all reality five months isn’t really a time to get concerned about. But as every woman who is trying to get pregnant knows, it begins to be an agonizing wait every month. The hope you feel when you are a few days or a week late and then the crushed dreams when you get your period again. It is a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Five months dragged on to over a year. I finally got pregnant in February of 2011. We were so happy! The timing was great. Charles had just started his job at PWC. We would have insurance coverage and a steady income. After so many months of trying we were finally going to have a baby! We decided to wait to announce it until I was at least 12 weeks along. Every day I marveled at knowing there was new life beginning inside of me. I was walking on air. I felt great; I had been preparing for a half marathon and was told I could keep running. I didn’t feel sick at all. I began to wonder though at my already swelling belly. I was only about 8 weeks along. I chalked it down to being the second baby. Everyone says that you show sooner.

March passed; I ran the half marathon being so careful not to over-strain myself. I walked up all the hills and took frequent breaks to drink water and slow my heart rate. I did well and felt good about my time. Life was awesome!

On April 1st I was in the kitchen making pancakes. My mom and sister were driving down from Utah that day. As I was flipping, I felt a strange sensation in my lower belly. Sort of like something had torn apart. Then the pain hit. Quickly I went to the bathroom. I’ll never forget the bright stain of red. So much blood. I went into shock, “No. It couldn’t be. I couldn’t lose this baby!” I tried to console myself. But deep down I knew it was over. The tears came, slowly then gushing. I couldn’t hold back the sobs as I told Charles. Together we cried, mourning our lost child. I chose to spend the day alone in my room. I couldn’t let Ella see the tears. Tears which I couldn’t stop falling. As happy as I had been for so many weeks I now felt swallowed in grief.
That day I cried and cried. I would be sobbing so hard I couldn’t get off the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mom came and together we cried. So many tears.

A few weeks passed. The bleeding finally slowed then stopped. I was trying to get in control of my emotions. Post-partum depression still comes even with a miscarriage. Then I started to feel sick, nausea, exhaustion all the pregnancy symptoms. What?! I had definitely lost a baby, but according to the test I was still pregnant. Then the bleeding started again. We had blood work and an ultrasound. I had another baby. Two weeks older than the first one I had lost. But its heart had stopped beating. Twins. Both lost. My body was having trouble releasing the second one. I opted to take meds at home which would make my uterus contract. Again I went through the harsh pain of loss. This time accompanied with more pain as my body was forced to give up the second fetus.

After miscarrying I gave up on trying. It’s not that I was on birth control but I stopped thinking about basal body temperatures and ovulation cycles. I couldn’t handle the baited breath waiting every month only to be disappointed when my period came. Slowly I came back to myself. I started to heal inside. Nine months after getting pregnant and miscarrying I decided that it was time to go to a doctor. I had questions and wanted some answers.

The appointment wasn’t what I expected. My doctor didn’t seem too concerned that I had been trying for almost two years and hadn’t kept a pregnancy. She said I was young, healthy and obviously since I had one child already and had gotten pregnant a second time that I didn’t have any trouble getting pregnant. She did however diagnose me with depression and told me to go home and enjoy the child that I did have. I was a bit taken aback. I felt that there was something else going on that she wasn’t seeing. I started reading everything I could about fertility cycles. I checked out the “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” book from the library and started to really chart my cycles. I learned that I was having a very short luteal phase. This meant that even if I was to have successful egg fertilization that my body didn’t produce enough progesterone. The hormone Progesterone causes the uterus wall to thicken for egg implantation. So basically the chance of a successful pregnancy is very low. Most months I was not ovulating. I figured that explained why I was having periods that lasted for less than 24 hours. I wasn’t sure what to do about this. I didn’t want to go back to my doctor after she had blown me off the first time.
It was about at this same time I decided that I couldn’t force something that wasn’t supposed to be. I let go of the whole process and told the Lord that if he wanted us to have another baby, Charles and I was so very willing, but it was up to Him. I didn’t know what to do to help my body successfully keep a pregnancy going. Three months later I was pregnant again.


Pregnancy and Birth:


Getting pregnant again was so exciting, and then so terrifying. I was worried. What if I miscarried again? I didn’t want to face that. When I was six weeks along I became so sick. I couldn’t get out of bed. I wanted to vomit every time I moved. Food was impossible to eat. I had never been this sick with Ella. I decided it was a good sign, that my body was producing enough hormones. That didn’t stop me from freezing in fear anytime I had a lot of discharge. I would run to the bathroom to make sure it wasn’t blood. Then the pain started. I would be doubled over writhing. It was cramps times a million. I felt helpless, this couldn’t be good. I noticed a mass on the left side of my abdomen. What was that?? I went into the doctor. She figured that I had an ectopic pregnancy but when we did the ultrasound it showed a baby in utero! I was so excited, the heartbeat was great and all looked well. We couldn’t figure out what the mass was. She thought it could be heterotopic, where you have a tubal pregnancy with a utero pregnancy. I was sent to the hospital for more testing. We never did figure out what the mass was, now that I am no longer pregnant we can’t feel it any more. I assume it was pregnancy related.

The first trimester was very difficult. I didn’t leave the house for weeks. I was so sick I mostly lay in bed or tried to throw up in the bathroom. I lost 5 pounds and lived on crackers and cheerios. Charles was a huge support, rising before I did to make me breakfast and taking care of the house and Ella. After about 12 weeks we found out that if I refrained from eating dairy I wasn’t as sick. Other complication’s I had in the pregnancy were low blood pressure, and lots of contractions. I started contracting fairly regularly at 20 weeks. At 26 weeks I ended up in the hospital with very severe contractions. After being monitored for a few hours the cause of the contractions was unknown but it didn’t seem like they were doing anything. I was sent home and spent more time resting. By 34 weeks the contractions were getting really strong. I was very careful not to overdo things because I was beginning to worry that I would have this baby early. My weight gain slowed down and then stopped. That Sunday I started getting contractions every 3 min… during Sacrament meeting. We had been at the front so I had to walk all the way out panting. Everyone thought I was going to have the baby. Charles took me home and I laid down for a min. They soon stopped. I did pack the hospital bag that night... just in case.

For the next two weeks I labored on and off, usually for 3-5 hours at a time. Every night I would work though the contractions, rocking, sitting on a birthing ball, taking a bath. It was miserable. I found out at my 35 week checkup that I was almost completely effaced and dilated to 1cm. Soon after that I lost my mucus plug. Everyone thought I would have such a quick labor since my body was already working so hard.

Hah

BIRTH:

Two days before my 36 week checkup my contractions slowed and then stopped. I was feeling much better and was happily thinking I might actually make it to my due date. That Tuesday I went in to the doctor. It all seemed routine, I was filling in the doctor on our rat situation when I noticed that she was taking a really long time on the ultrasound. I asked her if everything was ok. She then told me that my fluid was really low. She had measured it at 4.7 (with Ella I had to be induced when it was at 5) She told me that I needed to go over to labor and delivery, that they would probably choose to induce me that same day.

I was in shock. I was diagnosed with Oligohydramnios (low amniotic fluid) in my second trimester with Ella. They told me it would be very rare for me to have it in another pregnancy. Guess not that rare. I had been checked all through my pregnancy with William but everything had seemed fine. I had really been hoping to go into labor on my own and not have to be on pitocin. I was really upset and worried about the baby and the upcoming labor. A feeling of dread came over me as I left the doctor’s office and I began to cry. I kept praying and then felt prompted to sing the song “Be Still My Soul” As I sang (to myself in the car, yes people probably thought I was crazy) I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I felt that the Lord was aware of me and that it was going to be alright, no matter what happened. When I got back to the house, Charles and Brent gave me a blessing. Again I felt that peace. Charles and I got things in order and then went to the hospital. We got there by about noon.

There was an overflow of women going into labor the day we arrived. We had to wait about an hour to get a room in labor and delivery and then after delivery we had to wait about 4-5 hours to get a room in the post-partum wing. We have run into lots of families who babies were born on the day of and around William birth.

At the hospital they put me on monitors and re tested the fluid levels. (This took quite a few hours) This time the fluid level was even lower at 3.7. It was decided that they would induce me immediately and told me that I would probably deliver the baby sometime on Wednesday or early Thursday morning. We thought there was no way it would take that long. I was induced with Ella and it only took 12 hours. They then checked to see how far along I was. I wasn’t really far along at all. My cervix had started to close up again and William was not engaged. They inserted a foley bulb to try and stretch my cervix. They also inserted the IV port. Unfortunately the nurse doing it had some trouble and had to try about eight different times. I passed out around try number four. It took a little while to get me stabilized but soon I was fine. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles? I could see the doctors and nurses thinking, “Well if she can’t hack getting the IV put in how is she going to handle induced labor without pain meds.”

I was allowed to eat dinner and then was able to get up and walk around the hospital for an hour. We were even allowed to go to an enclosed garden area. It was so nice to get up and about after being tied to monitor all day. Charles and I talked about how excited we were for this new child and enjoyed our time traipsing the corridors of the maternity wing.
Once we got back to the room we decided to go to bed before things became too painful to sleep I woke up at about 5 a.m. Wednesday morning with strong contractions. They were manageable but I couldn’t sleep. By 6 I was in quite a bit of pain. I took a shower and stood in there for about 30 min. I started to feel really light headed. I thought I was going to pass out. I got out of the shower and went back to bed. Soon after that breakfast came and I felt a bit better. I was surprised that they were letting me eat. They never let me eat while I was in labor with Ella. After breakfast we meet the new shift of Doctors. The midwife on rotation was excellent. Very positive and friendly, she had no problems supporting my decision to go on without pain meds. Knowing that just sitting in bed would make labor last longer, I asked her if I could get up and walk around again. She thought it would be fine but as she checked my contractions read out she noticed that when I was contracting sometimes the baby’s heart rate would decelerate. We decided that it would be best to stay on the heart rate and contraction monitor but I could get off the bed and walk around the monitor. The nice thing about Kaiser is that they are in no hurry to put you on IV. It is an as needed type of thing. I loved that aspect because it meant I didn’t have to drag an iv pole around everywhere. It wasn’t long after the doctor left that I felt light headed again. I lay back down on the bed but still felt like passing out. I felt so sick; I knew my blood pressure was dropping. I told Charles to call the nurses. This is when we learned that our nurse button wasn’t working properly. We called about 5 times and I was panicked. I could feel myself going. Charles went into the hallway and told the first nurse he saw that I needed help. I don’t remember much of the scene but Charles said that about 6 doctors and nurses came into the room, checking my heart rate, oxygen levels and blood pressure and the baby’s heart rate. My blood pressure was low; they put me on oxygen and tried to bring me back to awareness. It took a while (read hour) for me to come out of it. Luckily William’s heart rate remained constant for the entire process. I had low blood pressure problems all throughout the pregnancy (still have them actually). The doctors have no idea why I am having these problems, and no idea why I was passing out during labor. This was the second time in 24 hours. It wasn’t going to be the last either. I passed out another three times before William was born and was on oxygen for most of the actual day he was born. (Thursday). After this episode I wasn’t allowed (for obvious reasons) to walk around. They also removed the foley bulb (it can only be in for about 12 hours) the bulb was supposed to get me to dilate to at least 3 cm. but when they removed it I was still only at 1cm. So depressing! The IV was put in and Pitocin started. My contractions were strong before the Pitocin but all of a sudden got much worse. I was beginning to feel a bit depressed. Everything was going opposite of how I wanted it to. I had already been laboring for 12 hours and it seemed like nothing was happening. We had thought I would have had the baby by this point. Charles kept me going. He told me what a great job I was doing and that things were going to happen no matter what and we would take it as it came.
I got into a routine of breathing through contractions and trying to rest in between. A few hours passed. At about noon Williams’s heart started to decelerate again. I can’t even describe how terrifying it is to be listening to the monitor project the regular thump thump thump of your baby’s heart and then all of a sudden it slow way down, thump….thump…thump….. I was so scared. The doctor came in and told us that at this point his heart was having this deceleration because of the low fluid. There wasn’t enough fluid to cushion his body through the contractions. William was being strong though. He would bounce right back after the contraction to a regular heartbeat. As long as he did that then we would be ok. Charles and I said a prayer that Williams heart would be ok and that he would be healthy and strong. Again we felt reassured. His heart kept decelerating through contractions. Eventually I had them turn down the sound so I would not hear it.

The contractions were getting really painful now. I was also more tired. We were going on 24 hours of labor. They came in and checked me before bed. I was still dilated to a 1. I felt really depressed. I could feel the pain and strength on the contractions but still William was not engaged and I was not dilating. We couldn’t break my water because his head wasn’t low enough and the umbilical cord might prolapse. I was on a very high dose of Pitocin; the contractions were coming about every minute and a half, very strong. I was also having a lot of back labor. The doctors felt that because I had been in labor for over 24 hours and was still not progressing, I should take some sort of pain med to help me relax and let my body do the work. I definitely did not want to have an epidural. I had been passing out to many times and my blood pressure was so low that they would have had to give me all sorts of medication to elevate my blood pressure and then the epidural. We were extremely worried about the effects it would have on William especially with the heart decelerations. I opted for small doses of morphine. I have never taken a drug as strong as morphine. It was such a strange feeling but it helped deaden the feeling of back labor, enough that I could rest. I had an angel nurse that night. I don’t know her name or remember what she looks like but I remember that she checked on me frequently and brought lots of pillows so that I could support my body and sleep sideways. She gave me encouragement and made me a heat pack even though technically the hospital wasn’t supposed to use them (someone could sue that they were burned) She helped me manage contractions so that Charles had a break to sleep. What an amazing nurse!

By morning the morphine was not helping anymore. The pain was too intense. It is always at this point in my labor process that I think about Stephen. I am in so much pain that I think of how awful it must have been for him to sit through lots of pain for days on end. The doctor came to check me. (About 5 a.m. on Thursday) I was at a three! Horary and ugh… finally some progress but not much. The pain was getting unbearable I switched from slow quiet breathing to transition breathes. I knew from Ella’s birth that lying in bed really hampered my labor. It wasn’t until I got of the bed and moved around with her that I got to 10 cm.
My monitor that read the contractions wasn’t working very well. I don’t get very big when I am pregnant and these belts are made to monitor a huge belly. They kept sliding everywhere and didn’t read the contraction’s right. I had been having this problem all along but it hadn’t really bothered me till now. The nurses kept moving the button on my belly saying” we just need to record these contractions so they really count”. I knew it wasn’t nice but I had gone past being able to control myself. I told her that these contractions were definitely happening and they were counting to me and that I didn’t care if the monitor could pick them up or not.

The doctors wanted a record so they could decide whether or not the contractions were too close together. If not then they wanted to up the Pitocin. It was a good thing that the doctor wasn’t there. I probably would have told him that the contractions were definitely to close together, I didn’t need a machine to tell me that and suggested a better place he could put that Pitocin.

It had been three hours since we found out I was at a 3. I felt like I was in transition. It was almost too much for me to handle. I told them to check me again. I was at a 7 (at seven o’clock a.m.) Charles and I were so excited. When I hit 7cm with Ella she was born a half hour later. End was in sight. Charles told the doctors how fast I had progressed last time. They prepared the room and everybody waited. But I stayed at a seven. They had turned my pitocin down a notch and my contractions began to slow from every min to every 2. They were still transition contractions though. SO Painful. After a while they began to talk about upping the Pitocin. Again. I knew without a doubt that I would not be able to handle more pitocin. I was losing it. I told them no. They left me to continue laboring. I was in tears, I had no control anymore. I had been in labor for 38 hours, was exhausted and felt like I couldn’t go on. Charles gave me a blessing. He blessed me that I would be able to have this baby vaginally and that I could get through this. I made myself get off the bed to try and spur on the labor. Still having transition contractions I forced myself into a squatting position trying to get William to engage and come down. Spent and exhausted I lay back down on the bed and seemed to lose conciseness.
Up to this point labor had been taxing, hard, and miserable. I was now entering the part of labor that I can only explain as my walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I was on oxygen, I lost my ability to hear and see properly. I couldn't focus on things and my ears were muffled like they were plugged with cotton. I curled up on the bed lost in the pain. I felt as though I could die. The only things grounding me were my unborn child and my family. I didn't think I could go on. After an hour they checked me again. I was at an 8 or nine, almost there but not quite. For three more hours I labored in Transition. Charles later told me that he was really surprised that I didn't talk more during this time. With Ella I was panicking about the pain in transition and almost got the epidural. But her transition contractions were different. I was not as exhausted and it only lasted for about 3 contractions. This was more than I could handle, so my body shut down. I couldn’t talk or do anything. I felt like I was trapped in a horrible nightmare.

Finally somewhere near 11 a.m. I felt the urge to push. It got stronger and stronger. There were so many women delivering at the same time I was that the doctor originally assigned to me was with someone else. They finally got two other doctors in there and I started to push. It is hard to explain this process. I can’t put into words the extreme exhaustion and lack of any strength I had. I was tormented by the urge to push but had no ability to give into it. My pushes were weak. I had to breathe through a lot of the contractions. His head would crown and then go back. I was failing. Failing at what I knew I needed to do most. I couldn’t do it. I knew I couldn’t. As awful as everything had been up to this point, this was worse. Charles kept telling me that I could, reminding me of the blessing. I cried out to Heavenly Father, right there in front of everyone, asking him, pleading with him. I couldn’t do it alone. Through a great miracle I was able to gather my strength for one more push. Williams head finally broke free and then his body. They put him on my chest. I was in shock. He was here alive and yet I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t focus on his face. I couldn’t hear him cry. I was still in so much pain I was almost delirious. They slowly helped me to birth the placenta. Very quickly things changed. The bleeding wasn’t slowing down. I was hemorrhaging.
Another doctor came in to help; she started to push down on my lower belly. Every time she did blood would pour out. My uterus wasn’t contracting shut fast enough. The pain of having my lower belly pushed on combined with the pain of the other doctor reaching up my vaginal canal to scrape out blood and any leftover placenta was excruciating. After everything I had been through I had lost control, I cried for them to stop, begged for relief. My IV collapsed so a new one was put in and I was given a whole bag of Pitocin in about 10 min. I had a shot of meds to get my uterus to contract as well as a bunch of other pills that they give you when you miscarry shoved somewhere that wasn’t very comfortable. Seriously, they never tell you about this stuff before you get pregnant. I just kept loosing blood. I closed my eyes willing myself to pass out again. I did not want to be present any longer. Finally the bleeding slowed down to a more normal amount. I was stitched up and all the nurses began to weigh and measure William. I was finally left alone. I hadn’t eaten in almost 20 hours so they gave me some graham crackers and salad. I was too exhausted to eat much. I felt so sick. My vision and hearing were still impaired. I fell asleep for about four hours. When I woke up we were transferred to a room in post-partum. I then went back to sleep until Judy came to stay with me. I was a bit better by that point but still couldn’t see very well. I slept so well that night only waking when they told me it was time to breast feed. The next day I was doing better. After resting I was able to focus my eyes. I was really able to see my beautiful baby boy for the first time. And he is really so perfect. I held him and marveled at the whole process it took to bring him to our family.

We always talk about the trial of labor and delivery and then say, but the baby is so worth it. It was no different in this case. As I sat in my bed really holding William for the first time I knew I would go through it all again just to be able to have him here in my arms. I felt such an overwhelming sense of love and joy. That feeling has carried into our home as we have spent this first month with him. We are all so happy and love every minute of our new family life.

I have come to realize some important things about this experience. First, I know that I was meant to go through this. We don’t come here to earth to have an easy ride. This is a learning phase; trials must be had so that we can grow. This experience has changed me. I have a stronger testimony of the Atonement. Jesus Christ suffered all the pains of the world. He has felt all the pains and sorrows and sickness that we have had. He has suffered for all of our sins and misdeeds. He did it for us all. And yet he also did it for the individual. He did it for me. And he would do it again. I suffered so much in this labor. I feel that I was stretched to my limit physically. Yet it was for a purpose, for my child. And of course I would do it again. For the first time I feel as though I have a glimmer of understanding the love that Christ feels for us, to have suffered so much for us. I also have a better understanding of the strength and power that we can receive when we rely on His Atonement. I could not have gotten through this labor and delivery on my own. I needed His help. We know that we cannot return to live in Heaven without the saving power of the atonement. After all we can do it is his grace and mercy that ultimately saves us. Sometimes it is hard to remember that. This experience reinforced my absolute need for the saving power of the atonement as well as my faith in the power of prayer. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for my family. He is aware of my personal situation and he takes the times to send angels to help and support me in times of need. I know that the priesthood power is real; it exists today upon the earth. When Charles gave me those blessings and when I exercised faith in the blessing there was a real power there and it is what brought us this child. I know that the spirit world is closely connected to this one and that there are loving family members past and future who are there watching us and helping us. Funny as it may sound, I am grateful for all of this because it brought me William. Just as I am so grateful for all that I went through to get Ella. My husband and my children are my light and life. Every day I thank Heavenly Father for bringing them to me.